Hey Momma!
by xerisa
Summary: Sasuke with hormones? Now that’s a scary thought. Especially when Sakura’s getting rather… curvy. But the whole point is, Sasuke’s getting extremely affected when Sakura was carrying a little baby!
1. Oh God

**SUMMARY: **Sasuke with hormones? Now that's a scary thought. Especially when Sakura's getting rather… curvy. But the whole point is, Sasuke's getting extremely affected when Sakura was carrying a little baby!!

**DISCLAIMER: **I do not own Naruto, it is specifically possessed by Masashi Kishimoto. And although I hate to admit, I'm just borrowing these characters.

-

"_Sasuke-kun!"_

"_Sakura…"_

"_Sasuke-kun!!"_

"_Sakura…"_

"_I lurrv you, Sasuke-kun!"_

"_I—…"_

Sasuke cracked his eyes open. You see, his dreams were kinda limited and he still didn't know what he'll say or do when Sakura actually acted… enticing towards him.

Yeah, she'd occasionally flirt with him when they were still young, but at this age, it was different. For Sakura became more matured, more intelligent… and more beautiful. She need not to invite guys, instead she can choose to her horde of boys anytime and anywhere!

Unfortunately, when Sasuke had the chance to actually be the center of attention of Sakura, he didn't took advantage of it. So, he had to suffer keeping his real emotions inside of him. Sad.

When she got over him, he _just _realized that he liked her!

Bad timing for Uchiha. Yes, we can see that.

Anyway, it only took Uchiha Sasuke fifteen minutes to be ready for Training. Five minutes for taking a bath, brushing his teeth, and all those crap; and ten minutes to fix his hair into that impossible hairstyle. Seriously, Anime _really _has weird hairstyles… and hair colors. But let's get to the story, okay?!

Soon, he was perfectly standing by a tree with his self-proclaimed "hot-and-at-the-same-time-cool" pose.

And almost immediately, he heard…

"Good morning, Sasuke-kun!"

Sakura's voice.

He gulped and right away, his stance was ruined and with its stead, he blushed embarrassingly. "Um, yeah. Good morning to… you, too."

Sakura tilted her head to the side slightly with that innocent expression. "Why are you blushing, Sasuke-kun?"

"Um, heat?"

Sakura didn't seem to buy it, so he decided to keep silent. Yeah, shut up and suffer from your misery. Jeez.

Later, Sakura and Sasuke were salivating each others faces with their "passionate" kisses.

…

Just kidding.

Hehe, I really love messing around.

Anyway, back to business…

When Sasuke dared himself to stare at her (and promised not to look… ahem, anything else other than her face), he was more shocked than embarrassed!

"EEEK!!" He squealed… not purposely, of course.

Sakura blinked in response.

He twitched violently, "what the hell's that stuff being wrapped by your precious arms?"

Sakura giggled. "Um, a baby?"

"A BABY?! When did you ever do it?"

Before Sakura could answer, he started yelling again. "With whom? Is it with Naruto?… Wait, eew! That can't be. Lee? No, you tend to barf. Kiba? You hate his smell. Neji?… Wait, NEJI?! That's it, isn't it? Oh my God, you had sssjuragk with Neji?!" Sasuke gasped.

"I can't believe it." He started pacing on circles. "Oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God…"

"Will you stop that?! If you don't stop it you might bore a hole to it."

"But," he gasped once more. "Oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God…"

Sakura rolled her eyes. "Oh shut up. So what if I had a baby…"

"NO!!"

He disappeared, leaving her with a confused expression.

"… in my arms?"

She sighed and just smiled at the baby. She patted her pink hair and walked away.

-

"Oy, Sasuke! What's wrong with you?" Naruto called out as soon as he saw Sasuke's incredibly pale face. Sasuke answered with a huge scowl, "it's too late. Everything's too late. I can't believe I let this happen. It's already too late."

"What the hell are you talking about?"

Sasuke switched his onyx eyes to him swiftly, too fast that his head made a whipping sound! "You are really an idiot! You are the dumbest person I've ever met. I mean, hello? She already has…" Sasuke burst out crying.

Sob. Sniff. Cough Cough. Sob. Sob. Sniff.

"She has… a baby!!"

"Who?"

He whapped his companion's head with a baseball bat from nowhere. (Heck I don't even know if Baseball exists in "Naruto World"!)

"IDIOT! Sakura!"

Naruto scratched his head in bewilderment. "Really? What's it look like?"

"Pink hair, green eyes, pale skin, incredibly cute and awesome." He answered, wiping his tears away.

He blinked simultaneously. "I meant the baby…"

Sasuke honked his nose and afterwards answered his _buddy_'s question. "Oh. Well, the baby has pink hair, green eyes, pale skin, it's incredibly cute and awes— WAAH!! THAT ONLY PROVES IT'S REALLY HERS!" And so he continued on bawling hysterically.

"Oh come on, Sasuke, it can be anybody's!"

"Oh yeah?! Who exactly has pink hair other than _my _precious?"

Naruto thought for a while. "You've got a point, Gollum."

_Who the hell is Gollum? _He asked in his head, but he wasn't really expecting for an answer. If somebody in his head answered then he would really be freaked out.

"Maybe it's just a fake."

Sasuke whipped Naruto with a stray dog. Kinda unbelievable but… yeah.

"Are you saying that I can mistake a fake from a real one? Me? The most perfect human being that ever walked on Earth?! You're kidding, right?"

"No."

Sasuke ignored him and started to be deep in thought. "I have to find out…"

-

Meanwhile…

"Sensei," Sakura called as she bowed slightly. "I just wanted to ask you one thing, sensei…"

"What is it?" Tsunade asked while she was fixing her paperwork. (Or at least pretending to do so…)

"When will this mission be done?"

"Well…" Tsunade turned her attention to her student. And by this…

"HOLY CRAP! WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?!" Tsunade shrieked while she stared at the baby in Sakura's arms.

"Um, you see, Tsunade-sama… I was doing my assigned task last night but then this morning…" Pause. "It turned to some kind of a miniature me!"

Tsunade nodded, as if she knew what was happening. "Yes. Research said that this mysterious baby, which apparently just appeared by the forests, is an experiment. It is said that it is a little… joke from… a completely incapable, worthless, idiotic, insane, disgusting, perverted, annoying guy."

"Who's that?"

Tsunade growled lowly. "Of course. Jiraiya."

Tsunade cleared her throat. "The baby is meant for people to think that it is the holder's child… even if it is not."

"That explains it. The baby took my appearance so everybody'll think that is indeed mine. The question is, why'd Jiraiya-sama do such a thing?"

The hokage rolled her chocolate eyes. "Obviously he had nothing to do. I heard that he was going to give it to random people just so he could make rumors out of it."

"But don't you worry, Sakura, my dear. I'll make sure that we'll find Jiraiya and he'll say what we should do about it."

Sakura bowed and decided to leave.

But before she could actually do that…

"Sakura, I forgot to tell you one thing…" Tsunade stated. "Anytime now, the baby will react to your emotions. If you have some guy you like then it will somehow take that person's appearance, too."

"WHAT?!"

"Well, I told you… The baby's creator is one perverted dude. So expect it to change a part of its appearance not far from now."

And before they know it…

The baby's eyes turned to deep, onyx eyes.

Familiar.

-

**A/n: **BWAHAHAHA!! YES!! I did it. Can you actually believe that _I_ wrote that?

Anyway, thank you for your time… though I doubt that someone is actually reading this. But still, thank you.

I'll try to update sooner or later.

So Long!


	2. That's One Ugly Kid

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Naruto.

**A/n: **My God, I completely forgot all about this story. I'm sorry. It's just that… Summer Vacation clouds my memories! Really sorry. You guys probably hate me now. SUE ME!! No, really! I insist. (Although… _not _suing me would be nice.)

-

'_Remember… You just have to do it _subtly.' Sasuke thought, heading towards Sakura's house, which he was particular of due to usual stalking business. But let's not get far from the real point, shall we?

'_Do it subtly. Do it subtly. Do it subtly.'_

Sasuke slowly knocked to the door.

'_Do it subtly. Do it subtly. Do it subtly.'_

The door slowly opened.

'_Do it subtly. Do it subtly. Do it subtly.'_

Everything went on in slow motion (well, you probably figured that out already). Sakura's face appeared.

'_Do it subtly. Do it subtly. Do it subtly.'_

"Oh… Hey, Sasuke-kun. What's up?" She greeted with that naturally sweet tone which Sasuke considered as his favorite music. "Neji and Naruto are all wrapped up in this new video game my parents got me. Wanna come I—?"

'Do it…' 

"IT'S NEJI!!" He shrieked in that unusual high-pitched voice. She blinked confusingly and before she can say: "what the hell are you talking about?", he pumped his fist in the air. "I knew it! How… How could you be so cruel, Saakuraaa?!" Neji and Naruto from inside the living room of the Haruno residence stared at him weirdly, particularly Neji with a look that said: WHAT THE FUCK?! And Naruto with the expression: I knew it! I'm so good.

"And… And… sniff… I thought we shared a special bond together? I thought you so desperately loved me! Sure I had been a jerk, but how could you be so meaaan?! YOU LEFT ME FOR A FREAKIN' BLIND DUMBASS THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO BUT SAY: IT'S DESTINY! IT'S FATE! I mean, come on? Am I that bad?!" Sasuke yelled.

"Hey, I'm right here you know?" Neji started to twitch violently while Naruto started beating up Neji's character from their game.

By this time, Neji stood next to Sakura. And with the baby on Sakura's arms…

An innocent, sweet, random girl neared them. "Aww, what a cute, young family."

"SHUT UP!" Sasuke roared, making the girl run away with trauma.

Neji smirked. "Ohh, I get it. You're jealous. How predictable. I always knew you would fall for her."

"And why? Because it's _deestiiny_? Because it's _faaate_?! Whatever, dude! Back off!" Sasuke demanded, pointing an accusing finger towards the harmless Neji.

Neji slapped his forehead (protector), and with a groan he said, "man, what an idiot." Before Sasuke could yell out his comeback, Neji swiftly (but carefully) snatched the baby from Sakura's arms. "LOOK AT IT! It has your eyes, moron!"

Sasuke stared at it closely and then scooped the baby in his arms. The baby cocked its head to the side. "Gah?" It whispered. Sasuke smiled widely.

That was until… he noticed something.

The baby's eyes started to redden and then turn to black again! Its eyes flicked the Sharingan.

And Sasuke could only think of one thing…

"OH MY GOD! ITACHI'S THE FATHER?!?!" Sasuke screamed and at the same time handing Sakura the baby and finally, got out a kunai. "I'm going to kill that _bastard_!" With this, Neji rubbed his forehead (if possible) with pure irritation.

"Who?"

The four (including the baby) heard a female's voice; they turned their heads and saw a familiar trio.

"Temari!" Sakura called in surprise. "Why are you guys in here?"

Kankurou and Gaara stood silently beside Temari. Well… Sorta. Kankurou growled and started to cry out. "That's because Temari kept on forcing us to come here just to see that pineapple-headed dude! IT'S DRIVIN' ME NUTS!"

Temari punched him not-so-gently at the arm, "don't listen to him. He's crazy."

And with that, Kankurou and Temari started arguing. And all of them failing to realize how the baby changed its complexion to a paler one.

Because of boredom, Naruto walked out of the house, finding out what was happening. But then, he caught sight of the baby, wondering what was wrong with it. '_Funny, it looks… different. But what _is _different?' _Being too lazy to think, he decided to shrug it off, patting the baby's head at the same time.

Finally, Temari caught a glimpse of the baby. "Aww, isn't that cute?" She squealed. "I see you've been busy!" Temari mocked. She suddenly grabbed her brothers' wrists and dragged them closer to the baby. "Wow! It's so adorable! It has your hair, Sasuke's eyes, _and _Neji's skin!"

"WHAT?!" Sasuke fumed.

Gaara started poking the baby and Kankurou started tickling at the neck. (And baby-talking)

"Aw, who'zh the cute wittwe baby?! Yezz you are!"

"So, why are you guys here again?" Naruto asked with that trademark grin.

"Well, you see, Gaara have to talk to the Hokage because of something our village lost. It might be here somewhere." Temari explained.

"What _it_?" Neji asked.

"A doll."

Sasuke blinked simultaneously. "A doll?"

"It's not _just_ a doll. It's Gaara's favorite doll!" Kankurou announced, which made him acquire Gaara's famous 'I'm-going-to-kill-you-when-we-get-back-home'—glare™.

Out of the blue, the baby's eyes were surrounded with thick mascara while its forehead got this red kanji tattoo, which stood for "Love". The whole face of the baby also got this weird, violet face paint! And finally, it started to have whisker-like marks on its cheeks! Naruto saw this and tried to call Sakura's attention by tugging on her sleeve. "S-S-Sakura…"

He was rewarded with a "tch, don't be a pest, Naruto."

Naruto prayed that Sasuke wouldn't see this because… because… it wouldn't be good.

"But let's not talk about Gaara now. So, Sakura, who's the father?" She asked while she nudged her with a… disturbing grin. "Is it Naruto? Or Neji perhaps?"

"PREPARE TO BE VANQUISHED!!!" Sasuke screeched, activating his Sharingan.

Sakura laughed nervously and decided to check on her "baby" but was surprised by its… appearance. "Oh my God, what happened?!" Sakura asked to no one in particular while she stared at the baby.

"Wow! That baby has great taste in face paint, I say!" Kankurou stated with a broad grin.

"I… Is that?" Temari tried to contain her laughter as she noticed the "mascara."

"I think he's so cute!" Naruto exclaimed.

"It's… It's… KILLING ME SOFTLY!! (With his song)" Sasuke screamed, grasping his black hair tightly. "What is going on _in here_?!"

-

Meanwhile…

As the old man stared at the commotion with his binoculars, he started to giggle hysterically, taking down notes once in a while. He thought of the great ideas these "kids" were giving to him.

"Oh yeah. I'm so good." He proudly mumbled to himself in that self-proclaimed manner again. "I'll call this one, "Finding the Father"! This is so exciting!" He giggled once more, and continued to spy on the young people involved in the scheme of this perverted man. "I, Jiraaii-yah, shall gather enough data in no time! THIS WOULD BE MY GREATEST WORK EVAH!"

"And Tsunade thought it would only react to the holder's feelings." He grinned. "She didn't know that it would also take the appearance of whomever touches it!"

-

And then…

Hell broke loose.

"Cool! A baby!" The guy smiled and he stroked the baby's cheeks happily.

Guess who it was.

…

The guy with _wonderful_ eyebrows.

The famous, Rock Lee.

-

**A/n: **Okay, so this was kinda weird. It's so hard making things interesting. Anyway, I have nothing against the characters here. I think I just insulted some of the characters. Sorry 'bout that.

And I also read reviews telling me how uncharacteristic Sasuke was. Well, um ,yeah… Some of you might've expected a more serious story… yeah, I didn't warn anybody. So… yeah, the story has OOC characters in them. Sasuke was already… strange. Sooner or later, it will be Neji's turn! MUWAHAHAHAHAHAA!!

Ahem, so much for that.

Personally, I would like to thank **i like tea** and **XXDragonheart6XX**. You guys gave me great ideas!

I would like to thank others, too.

**sk8rsakura**, **HeroFluffy**, **xPrincessGothx**, **Kunoichi142**, **cherryblossom222**, **RedSoul**, **Kitomi21**, **tenshii-chan**, **fallenangel44**, **unbeatablehinata**, **TrinityFire13Guardian137**, **kattylin**, **Artemis 85**, **Kurenai Tenshi**

Suggestions, comments, and constructive criticism are greatly welcomed!

…

Man, this's a long note.

Well, so long everybody! Hope I didn't waste your time.


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